On one of the conscious eldering retreats that I lead, a participant in her early sixties shared something that had a powerful impact on all present. In reflecting on her intentions for her retreat, she spoke of two significant older people in her life. One, who was in relatively good physical health, was difficult to be around because of her seemingly constant anger, bitterness, and negativity. She was old and miserable. People avoided her because she was a drain on their energy and joy. The other was a woman who, while not physically healthy, attracted people like a magnet. In her presence they felt joy, serenity, optimism, peace. People saw her as an elder whose radiance and wisdom lifted their spirits. Our retreat participant affirmed her intention, on this retreat and on her journey ahead, to grow into a radiant elder rather than a joyless old person; and she shared her questions and concerns about how to accomplish this.
The aging process seems to bring out either the worst or the best in people — magnifying and emphasizing the flaws and shadow elements of some of us; amplifying the wisdom, radiance, and compassion in others. The question carried by those of us committed to becoming peaceful, fulfilled elders is, “How can my aging bring out the best in me?” The inner work known by rubrics such as “conscious eldering,” “conscious aging,” “spiritual eldering,” and “Sage-ing” holds important answers to this question. That INNER WORK OF ELDERING is the theme of this issue of Itineraries.
The journey from late middle-age into fulfilled elderhood is facilitated by inner work that is focused and fueled by conscious intention. This journey can lead to the pinnacle of one’s emotional and spiritual development. Undertaking this journey is in fact what our lives to that point have prepared us for. And as conscious elders, our service to our communities and to the community of all beings can be profound. Carl Jung succinctly expressed this potential: “A human being would certainly not grow to be seventy or eighty years old if this longevity had no meaning for the species. The afternoon of human life must also have a significance of its own…”
The word conscious is key to understanding the wide range of ways that the inner work of eldering may be done. It is also key to the distinction between being “old” and being an “elder.” Conscious means aware. Aware of who we really are, of our authentic emotions, talents, aspirations, strengths, and weaknesses. Aware of a growth process unfolding in our lives through all of our experiences, positive and painful. Aware of that within us which is conditioned by the myriad of disempowering messages that surround us, as well as that which is authentic, natural, and life supporting. Aware of those shadow elements in us — our dark sides — which can block our radiance and sabotage our potential.
If the essence of conscious eldering
is increasing awareness, then its core practice is Life Review. “Wisdom does not
come from having experiences,” as
Rosalie Muschal-Reinhardt states in her article in this issue. “Wisdom comes from reflecting on one’s life experiences.” There are many ways of doing Life Review. Some entail structured exercises to focus on challenges, learning, and growth during the stages of one’s life; and they use pen, computer, or art materials as tools. Oral history work with a knowledgeable friend or guide can be a powerful catalyst for remembering life experiences and discovering their significance. Creating a “family quilt” is the creative way that contributor
Steve Harsh’s grandmother memorialized key events in the life of her family. Whichever method most resonates with us, what is critical is doing it. The awareness we gain is what makes virtually all the other inner work possible and effective. The elder wisdom we arrive at is a precious gift to the descendants who will remember us.
Much of the inner work of eldering focuses on healing and letting go of old baggage. Actualizing our unique potential as elders requires that our energy be free and clear, that our psyches be capable of embracing the possibilities and opportunities of each present moment rather than stuck in the experiences of the past. We can’t shine as radiant elders if our energy is continually sapped by old wounds, grudges, angers, hurts, and feelings of victimhood. We can’t move lightly and serenely through our days when we have not forgiven others or ourselves for the slights and hurts we have experienced and perpetrated through unconscious behavior. We cannot display our wholeness when unprocessed grief keeps open wounds that sap our energy. This critical inner work is the particular focus of
Julia Riley’s article in this issue on forgiveness.
When we review our lives, we become aware of the immense power of story. We become aware of the myths we have constructed for our lives as the result of our experiences — the stories we tell ourselves (and oftentimes others) about our lives that shape who we become as the years pass. We see how disempowering these stories can be when they contain strong motifs of victimhood, inadequacy, unworthiness, and regret. It is liberating
to know that the stories can be changed and that doing so is perhaps the most powerful inner work we can do as we age. This process is often called “recontextualizing” or “reframing.”
The essence of recontextualizing is viewing painful or difficult life experiences with the intention of finding what in those experiences has contributed — or has the potential now to contribute, as we reappropriate it with conscious awareness — to our growth and learning. Taking a longer view of our lives, the job we lost may have pushed us into a difficult search that led to a fuller expression of our gifts. The wounding inflicted on us by another may have taught us compassion or empathy for the suffering of others. The hurt we inflicted on another may have been a teacher for us about our shadow side — a critical awareness if we are to grow as human beings. A career decision we made that we regret may have been a crucial step toward our becoming who we are today, even if the mechanics of this are not obvious.
Recontextualizing experiences that do not hold a strong emotional charge can be relatively easy. But if this practice is to truly impact our lives at the level of deep feeling and allow us to reshape the stories we live by, then we must grapple with emotionally charged experiences, allow ourselves to deeply feel suppressed emotion, and do the inner work of forgiving or grieving. At its core, recontextualizing is profoundly spiritual work. It requires a deep trust that the divine intelligence present in us has a purpose for our lives and is working through our experiences to achieve that purpose. We may not understand its workings, and they may not be what we would choose. But this wise inner guidance possesses the eagle’s eye view of our lives that eludes the narrower view of our ego selves.
Our ability to trust in a divine intelligence with a purpose for our lives depends greatly upon the strength of our connection to a Higher Power — to Spirit, Soul, God, the Great Mystery. The inner work of eldering requires us to find spiritual practices that nurture that connection. The goal of all true spiritual practice is, of course, to help us experience ourselves and our lives in a wider context, framed in a truer story than the stories our ego selves tend to create about our lives. When we trust — with a trust grounded in the deep inner knowing that flows from spiritual connection — that our lives have prepared us to become wise elders, our unfolding stories become gifts to our communities.
Our deepening spiritual connection is intrinsically related to the shift from a life grounded in “doing” to one grounded in “being” — a shift that is a key dynamic in conscious eldering. When we make this shift we move from living and acting with the primary goal of meeting the needs of our ego selves, to living and acting so that Spirit (or however we may name it) shines through us as fully as possible.
Gary Carlson, in his article “The Heart’s Path,” reminds us of the joy of courageously following a path with heart, one step at a time, with deep commitment to having our “doing” grounded in “being.”
The world’s great spiritual traditions consistently teach us that accepting our mortality is perhaps our biggest ally in helping us to truly embrace life and the wonder of each moment. Yet we live amid pervasive denial of mortality. In this issue, physician
Louden Kiracofe, reflecting on his work with the terminally ill, celebrates the power of illness and physical loss — realities for most of us as we age — to transform denial into an acceptance that gives zest to each of our limited number of days.
We all leave a legacy — positive, negative, or mixed — to the generations that follow us. Aging consciously requires that we become aware of the legacy we have created up to this point in our lives and intentional about the legacy we want to create in our elderhood. Life review and the work of bringing healing to the past help us acknowledge and build on the positives of this evolving legacy and free up the energy needed to identify and move forward in building the legacy that is our gift to the future. Here again, a growing spiritual connection that allows us to see clearly our unique calling and gifts as an elder is key. This experience of a calling, or vocation, helps us become aware of the legacy we truly want to leave and of the path that will help us realize this goal. It opens our heart, strengthens our intention, focuses our action, and taps our spiritual depths so that we bring our whole selves to the creation of legacy.
We cannot move fully from who we have been into the elder we can become without letting go of that which will not support us on this journey. We all have culturally instilled attitudes and beliefs about life and aging that are disempowering. Our inner work is to become conscious (aware) of these and then to let them go. We all have attachments to people, places, things, activities, ideologies, attitudes, old stories, and self-identifications that may (or may not) have served us in the past but which will definitely not serve us in the future. Here again, our work is awareness and surrender. Life review is a valuable tool in becoming aware of what must be surrendered.
Rituals of letting go, whether conducted alone or with the support and witness of a group, can be powerful tools for transforming that awareness into willingness to let go of who we have been. Eldering rites of passage, which are powerful examples of rituals that allow us to let go of outworn identifications, will be the focus of the Fall 2011 issue of Itineraries. True, effective surrender requires a deep trust that by letting go of the familiar and what has come to feel “safe,” albeit constricting, we are supported by the wisdom and life force which is calling us into a new identity and positive new beginnings.
We doubt that you would be reading this issue of Itineraries if you were not somehow feeling a call to continual growth as you age. We sincerely hope that the contributions of our authors help to increase your understanding of the wide spectrum of inner work that will help you respond to this call. While this inner work is “work” — at times quite difficult work — it is also dynamic and enlivening. It can be the most important work we ever do. It may well be accompanied by tears of both sadness and joy, as bound-up energies are freed to reflect a growing consciousness of who we are and what is possible. Its fruits can be the radiance, passion, and service so needed by a world in need of conscious elders. We wish you well on your journey.